Good plumber harder to find than odourless camel

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It’s 2:30am on Monday morning and I’m woken by the sound of drumming.

My bathroom water heater has burst and the false ceiling’s metal tiles have turned it into a beat box.

Over the next 30 minutes of cursing, I make a few observations. Firstly, the water heater’s lifespan has been shortened considerably by poor installation; a decent brand, it was less than two years old when it failed.

Second, the valves letting water in and out of the cylinder don’t work. There’s a bit more ceiling exploration before the main valve for my apartment is off.

Having contained the damage, I slushed the water away and picked up miscellaneous bits of concrete, which had fallen from the unfinished wall surfaces above the false ceiling.

It’s at this point I slip on the wet tiles. Thanks to the combined functions of mass, velocity and gravity, I dislocate a couple of fingers and fracture a rib on impact with the firm floor. A brief finger-straightening trip to Jebel Ali hospital, which is pretty quiet at 4am, and I soon have enough painkillers to tranquilise an elephant.

Back at home, the only problem remaining is finding a plumber. First stop was the internet. Even with some nifty search combinations, the results were less than clear cut.

I called between a dozen to 18 numbers. Half were mobiles of individual tradesmen. Most were turned off or ignored. One answered, but wasn’t sure what a water heater was; another called back two days later.

I then tried bigger companies, you know, ones with proper websites and 800 numbers. These guys clearly have it easy. They were turning down work in the blink of an eye. For some, Discovery Gardens was just too far away, others weren’t interested unless I signed up to an overpriced annual maintenance contract. One even quoted 500 dirhams a month to maintain all 49m² of my studio. Not likely.

Several hours later I eventually lucked out with ToolMan. Not only did the person answering the 800 number speak fluent English and Arabic, they actually wanted to do one-off jobs. Smart move. One off jobs are paid the same day, in cash. What other contractor gets those terms? The guys were on site, with the right kit, in less than 30 minutes (they happened to be near by). The job was finished about 90 minutes later.

The moral of the story is that a good plumber is harder to find than an odourless camel, which can only mean there’s a gap in the market. Who will be the first to fill it?